Moving Pictures - Haiku Film Reviews

Green Lantern (2011)

2011-07-02T09:15:00.000-04:00

Special effects? Wow.

Script? Needed another draft.

Star? Dull as (green) grass.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

2011-07-02T09:07:00.001-04:00

Undone by one shot:

Vader, galactic badass,

Cries like a baby

Original review here.

Super 8 (2011)

2011-06-14T20:43:00.000-04:00

Imagine "E.T.",
if E.T. was a badass.
All you need to know.

Green Lantern: Emerald Knights (2011)

2011-06-14T20:34:00.000-04:00

Green Lantern nerd? This
portmanteau might be for you.
Rest of us? Bit dull.

True Grit (2010)

2011-06-14T20:24:00.000-04:00

The Dude drinks whiskey,
shoots cowboys, gets pushed around
by tough little girl

Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

2011-06-08T02:04:00.000-04:00

Where's Legolas?
Jack's missing two dimensions,
Can't carry a film

X-Men: First Class (2011)

2011-06-08T01:50:00.000-04:00

Seen one, seen 'em all
They really need a new plot
Beats part 3, at least

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

2011-06-08T01:40:00.000-04:00

Stoner comedy
If you think degradation
is funny, that is

Thor (2011)

2011-05-15T07:21:00.000-04:00

Kind of left feeling
It's more "Avenger" setup
Than actual film

The Green Hornet (2011)

2011-05-15T07:15:00.000-04:00

Rogen shows his range,
plays man-child with dad issues.
Kato is cool, though.

Predators (2010)

2011-05-09T21:42:00.000-04:00

Stretched credulity:
who could believe that Trejo
would die first? No one.

The Hebrew Hammer (2003)

2011-05-09T21:25:00.000-04:00

It's jewsploitation,
better than it might have been.
Not quite "good", of course.

All-Star Superman (2011)

2011-05-09T21:18:00.000-04:00

No real "plot"; succeeds
in Super task of making
Supes interesting

Bottle Rocket (1996)

2011-04-28T16:59:00.000-04:00

I stay in hotels:
must rethink relationship
with the maid service

The Gospel of John (2003)

2011-04-27T07:16:00.000-04:00

Best Jesus film? It's
entertaining, instructive.
Surprisingly great

Date Night (2010)

2011-04-26T12:30:00.000-04:00

When you have four kids
this cuts pretty close to home.
Except weird sex bits.

Ip Man 2 (2010)

2011-04-26T12:15:00.002-04:00

Not as mind blowing
as part one, but one great fight.
Yen is amazing.

Tron Legacy (2010)

2011-04-18T23:45:00.000-04:00

What if "The Matrix"
had starred The Dude? Now we know.
Part Three? TRON Bowling.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

2011-04-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

I thought I might die
when the little girl started
performing striptease

Ed Wood (1994)

2011-04-18T23:32:00.000-04:00

Heartfelt biopic
On joys of filmmaking and
angora sweaters

Tron (1982)

2011-04-17T13:17:00.000-04:00

Weird how I recalled
the awesome ten minutes, not
tedious eighty

Black Swan (2010)

2011-04-17T12:44:00.000-04:00

Makes me feel better
That I let the children quit
Their ballet lessons

The Spirit (2008)

2011-04-12T23:01:00.000-04:00

I like Frank Miller
But the guy's view of women?
Pretty alarming.

The Social Network (2010)

2011-04-12T22:56:00.000-04:00

Billionaire? So what:
Eisenberg's the only guy
who doesn't get laid.

Bringing Out the Dead (1999)

2011-03-29T17:56:00.000-04:00

Ghost troubles? Why not
euthanize your girlfriend's dad?
Wait, what? Ghosts are dicks.

Exit Through the Gift Shop (2010)

2011-03-29T17:32:00.000-04:00

Loved this. Story of
"Mister Brainwash": high drama.
Who cares if it's true?

Matchstick Men (2003)

2011-03-27T19:50:00.000-04:00

Nick Cage: enigma.
Plays straight guys nuts; madmen straight.
Close to home, perhaps?

The Wicker Man (2006)

2011-03-24T12:14:00.000-04:00

Nick makes the brave choice
to kick woman in the head
while wearing bear suit

Bangkok Dangerous (2008)

2011-03-21T11:43:00.001-04:00

Nick gives monologues
while mute girl smiles vapidly:
who greenlit this film?

The Quick and the Dead (1995)

2011-03-21T11:18:00.000-04:00

Cowgirl Sharon Stone?
Suspension of disbelief
has limits, you know

Face/Off (1997)

2011-03-18T16:51:00.000-04:00

Who would win in the
over-acting Olympics?
Audience, of course

Moving Pictures Presents: A Special Series Investigating the Work of Mega Cage

2011-03-08T17:56:00.000-05:00

A force of nature
Not limited by "acting",
"good taste" or "judgement".

Raising Arizona (1987)

2011-03-08T17:28:00.001-05:00

Before Mega Cage
he played this verbose moron.
Best chase scene ever.

Pirahna (2010)

2011-03-07T10:09:00.000-05:00

Poses this question:
Can film have too many breasts?
Then answers it: no.

Highlander (1986)

2011-02-22T13:27:00.000-05:00

MacLeod: sword-fighting
immortal ... antique dealer?
Kurgan should have won.

Wonder Woman (2009)

2011-02-17T10:07:00.000-05:00

Female role model
falls for weak, horny moron.
Nerd boy fantasy?

Machete (2010)

2011-02-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

Trejo is Dirty
Harry meets Jason Voorhees;
Lohan plays herself.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (2008)

2011-01-24T15:13:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly great
unexpectedly tragic
God I miss Firefly

Martyrs (2008)

2011-01-24T15:06:00.001-05:00

A lighthearted romp
Filled with joy, laughter, wit and
Skinning girls alive

The original review is here.

Stripes (1981)

2011-01-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

Lots of nudity
And typical Bill Murray
But not that funny

Feast (2005)

2011-01-20T17:40:00.000-05:00

Unexpected kills
Budget spent on live maggots
Perverted monsters

Taken (2008)

2011-01-17T11:55:00.000-05:00

Better than it has
any business being. And
Qui-Gon's a badass.

Antichrist (2009)

2011-01-16T14:57:00.000-05:00

My friend gave to his
secretary for Christmas.
What was he thinking?

Original review is here.

Warlock (1989)

2011-01-15T14:36:00.000-05:00

Calls himself a witch
Don't laugh, he'll bite out your tongue
Then fly absurdly

Doghouse (2009)

2011-01-14T16:09:00.000-05:00

Blokes go to small town
Where they relive Evil Dead
But with fewer puns

Primer (2004)

2011-01-12T15:11:00.001-05:00

Made sense until the
girl's dad appeared and collapsed.
Then my brain was hurt.

The Chaos Experiment (2009)

2011-01-11T21:44:00.000-05:00

My wife has new rule:
No more Val Kilmer movies.
Though I liked The Thaw.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

2011-01-10T10:15:00.000-05:00

This movie's better
Than Return of the Jedi.
That's right, I said it.

Iron Man 2 (2010)

2011-01-10T10:08:00.002-05:00

Rourke, Downey, Jackson...
Somehow this movie is less
than sum of its parts

Groundhog Day (1993)

2011-01-07T12:49:00.001-05:00

My wife observed it's
a romantic comedy,
cleverly disguised

The 'Burbs (1989)

2011-01-07T12:45:00.001-05:00

Before Forest Gump
And talking to volleyballs
Tom Hanks was crazy

The Mummy (1999)

2011-01-07T12:42:00.000-05:00

Problem: Egyptian
chick's not nearly hot enough
for all the hassle

Pale Rider (1985)

2011-01-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

Highway to Heaven,
with more killing and raping,
though still not enough

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

2010-12-31T09:05:00.000-05:00

Jar Jar replaced by
Nauseating romance scenes.
Yoda's a badass.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

2010-12-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

There are no small parts,
only small actors, but bit
players have it rough.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

2010-12-30T20:48:00.001-05:00

Tremor in the Force:
Millions of nerds, crying out,
but never silent.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead

2010-12-29T07:49:00.000-05:00

So disappointing.
Great title, photography
and cast. Stupid script.

Three Monkeys (2008)

2010-12-05T07:39:00.000-05:00

Cool photography,
but drowned kid's ridiculous,
pacing is glacial

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

2010-12-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Rudolph, excluded
because he is handicapped.
Man, reindeer are dicks.

Gunless (2010)

2010-12-04T18:11:00.000-05:00

Damned Americans,
Shooting and killing, then they
come steal our women.

The Walking Dead - Episode 105 "Wildfire" (2010)

2010-12-02T17:33:00.001-05:00

Goodbye, Jim. We hope
you find your family. Or
eat the Mexicans.

Mars Attacks (1996)

2010-12-02T17:21:00.001-05:00

I love my wife, but
she hates this. Can our marriage
survive? It's doubtful.

The Walking Dead - Episode 104 "Vatos" (2010)

2010-11-22T22:48:00.001-05:00

Just like the comic -
Introducing characters,
then killing them off.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

2010-11-20T23:01:00.001-05:00

It's the book, as told
by a ten year old. Hits plot,
but misses the point.

Megamind (2010)

2010-11-20T22:54:00.000-05:00

Despicable Me
with more marketable lead.
Mildly amusing.

The Walking Dead - Episode 103 "Tell It To The Frogs" (2010)

2010-11-20T22:45:00.001-05:00

Hmm...missing redneck
Likely means trouble ahead.
Shane: still an asshole.

Clash of the Titans (2010)

2010-11-14T09:55:00.000-05:00

This makes no sense. If
Gods openly intervened,
who would defy them?

The Walking Dead - Episode 102 "Guts" (2010)

2010-11-08T12:09:00.002-05:00

Strays from the comic,
with tramp Lori and rednecks.
Shane is an asshole.

Ella Enchanted (2004)

2010-11-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

I've seen worse kids' flicks.
Disposable but harmless.
Watch it again? No.

Piranha Part Two: The Spawning (1981)

2010-11-06T06:45:00.000-04:00

Would have been sublime
If Lance had fought piranha
mano-a-fisho

A Scanner Darkly (2006)

2010-11-05T09:55:00.000-04:00

Cartoon Keanu
Is perfectly confused. Most
Faithful Dick movie.

The Girlfriend Experience (2009)

2010-11-01T23:13:00.000-04:00

Nope, it's not the scripts.
In case there was any doubt,
porn stars cannot act.

The Walking Dead - Episode 101 "Days Gone Bye" (2010)

2010-11-01T13:41:00.003-04:00

Any series that
Starts with little girl zombies
Is OK with me

The Thaw (2009)

2010-10-31T17:19:00.000-04:00

I would have called it
"Val Kilmer: Terrible Dad".
That guy was a dick.

Survival of the Dead (2009)

2010-10-28T11:15:00.000-04:00

George phones this one in,
copies his imitators.
Cartoonish and dull.

Frozen (2010)

2010-10-27T13:08:00.001-04:00

It's Open Water
but on a chairlift, with wolves.
This film is perfect.

Part of the always delightful Final Girl Film Club.

Give 'em Hell, Malone (2009)

2010-10-22T13:02:00.002-04:00

Noir action movie
that somehow is less than the
sum of all its parts

The Karate Kid (2010)

2010-10-18T14:55:00.001-04:00

Fights are better, but
they forgot the karate,
Smith's no Macchio

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse (2010)

2010-10-13T11:40:00.000-04:00

Story's a bit thin,
Since we already know that
Batman's a bad ass

Return of the Jedi (1983)

2010-10-08T10:30:00.001-04:00

Features precise point
Where series goes off the rails:
First shot of Ewok

An Apology to Our Readers for the Lack of Recent Reviews

2010-10-01T17:05:00.000-04:00

Been watching Mad Men
from start, with no time for films.
Almost caught up now

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

2010-09-29T13:38:00.001-04:00

Master Yoda: most
insightful puppet ever,
soon to be 3D

The Final Destination (2009)

2010-09-19T18:54:00.000-04:00

Strange that people will
pay to see this film remade
again and again

Star Wars (1977)

2010-09-19T17:56:00.000-04:00

I always hate it
when young love turns out to be
incestuous. Damn.

The Stepfather (2009)

2010-09-15T23:54:00.000-04:00

Guy banging your mom?
Well, turns out he really is
as bad as you think

Piranha (1978)

2010-09-15T09:49:00.000-04:00

Slow for Dante; still,
has goofy animation,
fish eating people

The Tooth Fairy (2010)

2010-09-04T21:25:00.000-04:00

"The Santa Clause", but
With The Rock not Tim Allen,
And even dumber

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009)

2010-09-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

John T hams it up
Outwitting retarded cops
Why not gas the train?

Inception (2010)

2010-08-29T09:08:00.000-04:00

Dreams within dreams; it's
Cartesian bank robbers, with
Crying and stuff, too

Kick-Ass (2010)

2010-08-28T10:20:00.001-04:00

What is wrong with this?
Comic was great- this? So dull,
So disappointing.

Shutter Island (2010)

2010-08-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Hollywood guys:
That twist end you like so much?
Fucking obvious

A Special Haiku About Eli Roth

2010-08-26T20:44:00.002-04:00

My friend lusts for him
Me? I prefer his movies
Bear Jew knows horror

Special Nepotism Edition - Book Review of "Fey Girl" by Kevin Newman, a Guy I Went to High School With

2010-08-26T19:49:00.001-04:00

Verbose but low key,
punctuated with weirdness.
Starts slow, becomes fun.

Check it out here.

Crazy Heart (2009)

2010-08-25T00:21:00.000-04:00

"Walk the Line", without
Johnny Cash or happy end,
but starring the Dude

Hunger (2008)

2010-08-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

You can smell the shit
Smeared on the walls of the jail
Unbelievable

Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)

2010-08-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

First cartoon I've seen
With grave robbing as plot point
Man, I love Batman

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

2010-08-22T08:28:00.000-04:00

So plot's a bit thin
But it's one hundred and twelve
minutes of awesome

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

2010-08-21T00:43:00.000-04:00

For a film about
Sewing people ass to mouth
Surprisingly slow

Rubber (2010)

2010-08-21T00:36:00.000-04:00

A great film about
Boy and his dad. Also, a
Fucking Evil Tire.

Hellbound (1994)

2010-08-19T07:23:00.000-04:00

Chuck fights evil by
karate kicking Satan.
Should have been better.

Reviewed for the Final Girl Film Club.