Screamers: The Hunting (2009)

So rare: DTV

sequel that's better than first -

though that's no great feat

Doomsday (2008)

On slightest excuse

People will eat each other

And sport bad haircuts

American Gangster (2007)

Long but not boring

Fascinating "true" story

Good, not Ridley's best

The Big Lebowski (1998)

White Russians, bowling

There is no resolution

but the Dude abides

Run Fatboy Run (2007)

When he hits the wall

It was cinematic gold

Rest of movie? Blah

Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins (2009)

Creepy CGI

But better than the first film

Kids liked it, at least

A Special Haiku About Rob Zombie

Rob's critics complain

He loves Sherri and white trash

But his films are fun

Alien Apocalypse (2005)

Alien termites

Like eating both wood and heads

Then Bruce kicks their ass

Fear Island (2009)

Killer on island

Predictable twist ending

Like made for TV

A Special Haiku About Zack Snyder

I have noticed that

He really likes slow motion

He likes it a lot

300 (2006)

"With it or on it"

Ridiculous and awesome

Ultimate bad ass

Transporter 3 (2008)

Race race kick punch bang

Adds "Crank" gimmick to franchise

Statham is pretty cool

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)

Worst remake ever

Even Sid Haig can't save this

Or make watchable

Frontiere(s) (2007)

Nazi hillbillies

Nothing new under the sun

Girls were weird, though

Run Lola Run (1998)

Clever, disjointed

Narrative structure is great

Boyfriend is a tool

Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)

The perfect sequel

And greatest puppet movie

Required viewing

Eastern Promises (2007)

Tame for Cronenberg

Viggo's performance is great

Made me want tattoos

Following (1998)

Twisty narrative

Feels like draft of Memento

Short, entertaining

Being John Malkovich (1999)

Best job interview

and "Malkovich, Malkovich"

Always rewarding

Bitch Slap (2009)

Absurd T & A
A Russ Meyer film on crack
Heavenly girl fights

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UPDATE (14/12/2009): This review prompted what I consider the first ever review of our site, which I have posted here.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

Lost in translation

It's hardly "The Destroyer"

Chiun still funny

Quarantine (2008)

Sigh - found footage film

Starts strong but loses its way

Chick is annoying

Blood Simple (1984)

A western film noir

Slow, methodical, striking

Great burial scene

Antichrist (2009)

Lars does torture porn
Beautiful, horrifying,
Suffocating film

The Mist (2007)

Scary shit in mist

Really well executed

Ending is brutal

The Wrestler (2008)

Stunning performance

In classical tragedy

Moving and humbling

A special bonus to the fucking idiots who sat beside me talking during Halloween 2, before leaving after 20 minutes

I'm no genius but

I could have guessed your grandma -

No Mike Myers fan

Halloween 2 (2009)

It's batshit crazy

And more art film than slasher

A perfect sequel

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

Woody Allen's best

Beautiful photography

Girls are lovely, too

Halloween (2007)

Ambitious but flawed

Most interesting remake

At least Zombie tries

Passenger 57 (1992)

Die Hard on a plane

But worse in every way

Cheesy but funny